Planting hope with good seeds

"The only things that matter in life are what was true,

and truly said,

and how we treated one another."

Julia Sugarbaker

The second question I get asked, maybe the third, is "how are the boys?" This is an interesting question, because neither Jake nor Landen have really had any sort of emotional falling-out that can be attributed to this particular life event of their dad no longer living with them. It has just been folded in to how they approach life in general, for better and for worse.

I'll start with Landen, because ON THIS MATTER, he is the easiest. Landen only gets upset when he takes something personally. When he feels slighted or insulted or when he's been made to feel remorse and guilt for a poor choice or behavior, he cries. Otherwise, his response to the world around him is just to witness it, to form an opinion about it, state that opinion without fear, and to move on unaffected. When their dad first left, it was right before Hurricane Isaac, and a three-week activation bought us time to explain to the kids why he was not sleeping at home. We said that marriage is hard and sometimes in order to figure out what's wrong and what to do about it, you have to take a break from it. (I do not actually believe this, but that is a separate post.) We told them that their dad would be going to stay at "the clubhouse" for a while, what amounts to a hotel room at a military installation near home. Landen shrugged and said he was fine with it. He liked the clubhouse. We had that talk with them on a Friday, after which I left for the weekend and they did male bonding after weeks away from their dad.

In the many months after that, Landen's position on the issue did not change. Maybe his parents would get back together. Maybe they would not. He had a semi-thought-out Parent Trap scheme that he tipped me off to ahead of time, but never actually implemented. It would've been a lot of work - time that could be better used riding his scooter, watching Full House, or telling me all the time how wrong I am. The only time he shed tears for the family was the night I took down the wedding portraits and snapshots that were around the house. Not because taking down the pictures symbolized anything to him, but because it makes him sad to see me sad.

 

 

When we sat down to tell the boys that we would not be getting back together, that this situation was permanent, Landen told us that this was ridiculous and Dad just needed to come home so we could work on our issues. This is the point in the discussion where the children held it together better than the parents did. I think he was surprised when we told him that this wasn't going to happen. Never one to keep an opinion to himself, he agreed when their dad told them he just was not a good husband. This is the boy who told me three months ago, before anything was definite, that I needed a good man. At ten, he loves his dad every bit as much as a boy is supposed to love and worship his dad. He is also very keen on the limitations of people, both individuals and as a group, and I am impressed with how naturally he can separate the sin from the sinner. Also, he's a bit of a mama's boy.

 

Jake, true to form as the near-polar opposite of his brother, has reacted with every. single. emotion that registers on the spectrum of emotions, should one exist, multiple times over. Or rather, this has just exacerbated the shitty, disproportional responses he had to everything already. In the beginning, what was bad about Jake became awful. When he found out his dad was going to the clubhouse for a while, his heart broke. Jake describes the year his mother died and his dad was deployed as "The Worst Year." So in the beginning, this was doomed to be The Worst Year repeating itself - his mom was dead and his dad was gone.

Also, not one to talk about his feelings, these thoughts were only revealed to us in hour-long fits that ran the gamut from broken to enraged to disappointed to hate. I think Jake's response has been more a regression to The Worst Year than his true feelings about his Dad living elsewhere. Over time, he has seen that his dad is not gone, and he has not lost him. Home has run pretty much the same sans Dad - same rules, same schedules, same expectations, same routine. The major changes are that I do 90% of the disciplining and now that I tuck them in, we pray every night.

 

Jake is not so good at separating the sin from the sinner. To sin at all is the transgression, and he is deeply conflicted by how he can be so unbelievably angry and disappointed at the person he loves most in the entire world. We both tell him it's okay, that loving someone does not mean you never get mad at them, and getting mad at someone does not mean you do not love them. Their dad does a very good job of validating the mad, sad, disappointed, or hurt feelings that Jake admits to. He assures Jake that it is okay to be mad, and that sharing your anger does not get you kicked out of the club.

 

 

The boys and I have demonstrated to ourselves that we can do hard things, with minimal disruption, when we decide to do just that. There have been days when we have forgotten to study for a test or the only item of clothing "clean" on their bodies was their underwear. We remember to eat, to take our medicine, to be kind to each other, to be helpful and that fear is usually much worse than reality. Jake has settled in to this, for the most part. We are back to the same level of coping that we were pre-separation - dealing with ticks and twitches and forgetfulness and impulsiveness and awkwardness and grief for his mother that he is desperately trying to ignore.

 

In some ways, this may be the set of circumstances ideal for the best possible relationship with their dad. Most dads who live with their sons love their sons, interact with their sons, support their sons, and are physically present for their sons, and maybe do not always stay attuned to the emotions of their sons. I got this idea from a book I read, so I'm not making this up. These are not typical sons. And maybe having a dad who does not live with them will give them a dad who is more attentive to their emotions, instead of overlooking them for the day-to-day functions of fatherhood. Their dad will have to try harder to be connected and stay connected than he was by virtue of living with them. It's all about effort.

 

When we told the boys that Dad would not be coming back to live with us, we stuck to the main points. We were as honest with them as I was with you in this blog post. The focus was more on them than on us, so we assured them that this has nothing to do with them, and that we recognize what a shit deal it is to have your life upended because your parents are idiots who do not always make good choices. They have not lost their father, and we are still a family, just one where the relationship between the Mom and the Dad is changing. Most importantly, this news did not change anything about the way they have been living. The day that followed was no different from the day before. We will continue in unmarriage as we lived in separation. We will try to limit the major changes going forth to between the parents.

 

When lamenting to friends about the less-than-ideal example that is being set for the boys about the lives they should strive to lead, I can get myself pretty worked up about my inability to show Jake and Landen what kind of husbands their dad and I want them to be. I am surviving evidence that little boys grow up to be the kinds of men they watched their dad be, and I am gripped with terror that one of them will struggle as their dad struggles. Their dad and I both want these boys to start a family and keep it together for life or longer. What my friends have assured me of, over and over again, is that my sons are watching me demonstrate what it means to be kind and have grace, that everything we do has a consequence, that we stand up straight no matter what, and that I am what love looks like. That we are true to ourselves and to others, and we treat the people we love and who love us with kindness. They might not learn from their dad how to be a great husband or keep a marriage together. But maybe they will learn from both their mothers what their wives should be - strong, loving, honest, and fiercely loyal - and be inspired to love, honor, and cherish that.

 

My boys keep drawing the short stick and have dealt with more life-altering events in a decade than most of the adults they know. The short-form answer to "how are they doing?" is that they are troopers - smart, honest, and very, very brave.