Two of my neighbors have a house full of dimmer switches. I appreciate the necessity of overhead lighting, but it can be kind of cold. My neighbors' house is full of ambiance and is very warm, despite all the overhead lighting. They said installing dimmer switches is "super easy."
Feeling bold and confident after my success as a landscaper, I Googled "how to install a dimmer switch" and came up with this animated tutorial. After reviewing it, I had no doubt that I could successfully install the apparati necessary to alter the lighting in my dining room and on my porch. I skipped off to my Home Depot (we prefer Home Depot to Lowe's for no reason whatsoever) and purchased the following:
- four 48-inch flourescent light bulbs (we have a fixture in our carport and my contractor located the switch for me)
- two big purple potted mum plants for either side of my front door
- three cans of spray paint
- two ivory dimmer switches
- one roll of painters tape
- one bag of dirt
At the check out, the man put the switches, the paint and the tape in a bag under the buggy because there was no room in the buggy. He specifically said "I am putting your bag under your cart" to which I responded that I was glad he told me that because I would certainly forget when I got to the car.
Once I got home, I got all my tools out and got the computer set up to tutor me while I stood in front of the switch so I could do as instructed. The bag was nowhere to be found. I left that motherf***er under the buggy at Home Depot. Sonofabitch.
I called. Nobody had turned it in. Not wanting to wait, I ran up the street to Chenevert's Ace Hardware and bought two more switches.
Starting with the dining room, I followed the step-by-step instructions and once the breaker was cut back on, the dining room dimmed as directed. I shouted jubilant to my assistant, Murphy, and we moved on to the porch light.
Upon removing the plate, I could tell before I touched anything that this was not wired like the animation. Nevermind that the porch light occupies the same spot as another switch that controls nothing. I could tell that the porch light switch was hooked into the pointless switch. I replaced the plate and turned the breaker back on. The ceiling fan in the living room did not resume its activity. The porch light did not turn on when instructed to do so.
The dimmer switch in the dining room still worked, though.
I should have accepted the sign from above when I did not make it home with the dimmer switches.
I called my life-saving contractor, who does not do electricity, but the guy who works with him does, and he came over the next morning. I'm aware that this scenario plays into the whole "women can't do what men can do" thing, but I KNOW that my husband would not have had more success with this dimming bidness than I did.
You see, at some point during the history of my 26-year-old house, people cut corners with the wiring. There are two switches in the living room, one of them being the one next to the porch light, that controlled the ceiling fan and light once upon a time, but when the ceiling fan was installed, they bypassed the switches. Those switches control nothing. The ceiling fan is controlled by the two cords dangling from it. For some reason the ground wire to the whole thing is hooked up to the dining room.
Once the ground wire was disconnected from the dimmer switch and left hanging to nothing inside the wall, all worked as it was supposed to - the dining room light dims. The ceiling fan in the living room turns. The light comes on. The porch light dims (after the contractor installed the dimmer switch for it). It only cost me $50 for the contractor and FOUR dimmer switches, and them shis are expensive.
I've had the boys this week. I bust ass to keep the kitchen clean (tonight I paid my sister $20 to do it) and keep us all in clean underwear. There are no home improvement projects planned for a while. October is pretty busy. I had thought before I bought this house that I was going to be a total DYI-er and my first big project was going to be painting my dark bedroom. I am bored halfway through the changing of a light switch, so if it's not something Corey is going to be interested in improving, someone will be brought in to do it. I'm all about managing expectations.
Someone's name is Randy Broussard. Our goodbyes are brief because when he leaves here, he knows he'll be called back here in no time.
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