Lorraine, You B!t@h.

I'm a recipe hoarder. There's actually a limited amount of things some members of my family eat, so really it's the same ingredients added up in different ways. I love cookbooks, but I also pin food on Pinterest and have some go-to blogs and websites with recipes I'll try. It's very hard for me to trust recipes that do not come in books, so I, like my mother taught me, end up adding a little something to everything. It is the "Tim the Toolman Taylor" approach to cooking. I re-wired it. Usually it does not end up disastrously, because I know what I am doing in the kitchen. It's My Room. Except for this attempt to make quiche Tuesday.

Recipe and photo from Williams Sonoma.

During the week, it is hard for me to spend more than an hour cooking a meal. That's an amount of time I can devote only if I managed to get a little prep work done during the day. And you can only serve Oven-Baked Chicken with Crockpot Macaroni and Cheese or shredded chicken for tacos so many times before people stop getting excited about it and walk to table like they are approaching the plank.

I decided that I was going to make Quiche Lorraine, my first endeavor at quiche. They like eggs. They love bacon. We all eat cheese. This is the making of a successful entree. The boys and I even went to Sur La Table to get the right tart pan. And I decided to cut corners because I'm a working mom/servant and use a pre-bought crust. It was too small for the tart pan, and when I pre-cooked it like the recipe said, it shrunk and got poofy. But a dish doesn't have to be beautiful to be delicious, so I advanced as if the crust was perfect.

It was at this point that Corey, wandering through the kitchen because he smelled bacon, told me that "everyone f**ks up their first quiche." Like he knows this, even though he has never made quiche and certainly did not understand why I had to buy a special pan.

The eggs overflowed the crust, ran under it and seeped out the removable bottom of the tart pan. Before I put it in the oven, like immediately upon pouring them into the tart pan. The worst part was that I bought Fancy Irish Cheddar from Whole Foods, and that whole block went to waste. It was a holy mess, and we had Chinese for dinner. Corey said I handled my first Kitchen Disaster like a champ, because he would have been really mad and there would have been cursing and slamming of items. All I did was one slow "motherf***er" and declared Chinese food was for dinner, like that had been my plan all along.

I did not tell Corey at the time that it is actually the third time I have delivered an Epic Fail in the kitchen. The first being in college when I tried to fry chicken at his apartment and set a grease fire on the entire stovetop. And instead of yelling at him that there was a fire! in the kitchen, I ran out of the house screaming. The second time was a little over a year ago when I tried to make white chicken lasagna with a sauce made from evaporated milk, got distracted by the phone and let the sauce boil, and ended up with something that resembled oatmeal. I called the China Bear that night too.

So here I go again last night, making Quiche Lorraine. I made my own crust, like the recipe said. I gently poured the eggs in and it just barely did not overflow. I could have cooked it three minutes longer for the custard to set a little bit more, but it was deemed successful by 75% of my family, Jake being the one who was offended that I would make him eat custard and filled up on baked french fries, canteloupe and the bacon he picked out of the pie.

When I told Corey that I was serving Quiche Lorraine last night, he said "Okay, but you're paying for the Chinese food tonight." And then when it came out looking like culinary perfection, I sent this picture to him, captioned "Boo-yah."

So yeah, I owned this quiche. And if you're brave enough to venture out on your inaugural quiche adventure, please do what is best for your sanity and PRIDE, and follow the directions exactly. Because it is very shaming to declare to the entire family with absolute confidence that you will be serving Quiche Lorraine for dinner and send your husband out for Chinese a half hour later.