Updates from the A Team

It occurred to me this morning in the carpool line that I have not said anything to y’all about our Christmas and New Year’s. We did the same thing for Christmas that we have done every year since I was 14 – Christmas Eve mass and dinner, Santa, open presents, pancakes, naps….This year Emily came over for Christmas morning pancakes, and this year, as a newlywed, she brought her “sugarbaby” husband Jeff with her. She is my sunshine and it is always a delight to be in her company, though the frequency of this joy has decreased since she moved off to Richmond.

The boys racked up this year, as last year. There were no “big gifts” this year. Just a bunch of $25-and-less crap they asked for from Toys-R-Us. Corey and I gave them custom high-top Converse with their names on them, which they lurve. Harry Potter stuff, movies, swords, costumes, action figures, Nerf accessories, etc. They sleep through the night and WE have to wake them up in the morning, which is the opposite of what Cydney and I did as a child.

I also realized that it’s been a while since I gave y’all an update on how the boys are doing – not what the boys are doing – and how we as their parents are faring with that. And with each other. I will do that for you right now.

The best news about Landen is that on Parent/Teacher Conference Day, the teachers did not feel like a conference with me was necessary. This is quite the progress from the first conference, attended by the principal and assistant principal. He is so smart. The remarkable part is not his book smarts, which he has and are evident by his good grades, even when his parents forget to study with him. What is remarkable is his understanding and awareness of grown-up concepts and behaviors, and the world around him. He’s VERY astute. And I still would describe him as wyly. Future insider-trading wyly. I would also describe him as a yenta. He loves to gossip, mostly about Jake, and we are often telling him that we do not need him to chime in and help us parent his brother. He is the younger brother, but close observation of our family might confuse you about that.

January has been a rough month for Jake. We’ve seen a decrease in patience and control and an increase in aggression and violence. There are so many factors that contribute to this, and I think the newest, and perhaps currently the strongest, contributing factor to this is that he knows that he’s small. Small equals different. Being short and skinny means that all the girls you think are beautiful are a head taller than you are. It means that people ask you everywhere you go if your little brother is your twin. It means that your parents are always making you eat your meat, never measure you height and always know your weight. It means that you isolate yourself at a new school and withdraw into subjects that other fifth-grade boys cannot relate to.

So, we continue to struggle with Jake’s adjustment. His brain is working against us, with his general anxiety and the impairments to his executive functioning caused by his ADHD. He is still grieving for the life he used to have, where he had a mom and a dad that he saw equally and he was with his grandparents almost every day. We’re going back to frequently-scheduled and intensive therapy to get this grief process moving to acceptance. He will also soon begin group therapy with kids his age who also have trouble with their social skills and ability to make friends. He’s happy at home. He smiles a lot and hugs and kisses a lot. He eats well. He sleeps well. He’s better than he was a year ago. That’s the most we can ask for today.

Jake’s special needs are emotional, not physical or mental, but they are still a unique set of challenges that makes parenting him extra frustrating, extra difficult, extra not-always-rewarding and extra emotional for us. When he bites my sister while she’s trying to pull him off his brother or kicks a someone at school for trying to tell him what to do, the only response I have mastered is to go into my room and cry it out. The consequences are painful and inconvenient for all of us, but they are appropriate and consistent. For both boys. If you have not visited my friend Lisha’s page to read “Memos from your child” that she shared, you should (as soon as you finish reading this blog.) By far the hardest part of parenting either strong-willed and smart Allbritton boy is remembering that they are kids, and the expectation we place on them must be easier than the expectation we place on other adults.

This is New Year's Eve, in new shirts and custom shoes, and the night, they say, was the first time they ever watched the ball drop on TV.

It’s no surprise then that these circumstances make our marriage the red-headed stepchild. It’s the element that gets the least amount of attention. We forget to kiss each other “hello” or “goodnight.” We fight loudly about who should do which dishes or who should have to carry the laundry basket upstairs and put the clothes away. We are extremely fortunate that the boys have regular weekends away with their grandparents, but I’m noticing that we spend that time being so grateful for the reprieve from having to break up fights and mandate how much of their dinner they must eat and fussing when they leave their shoes in the living room that we do not turn that gratitude for the time we get to sit together. Uninterrupted. In a quiet house. Or stay in bed, napping on and off until noon.

What we do have is an appreciation for what we went through to get here and to build a life together. And how we have the best teammate in each other, that we know we will always be supported when we’re too tired to stand up straight. Or do not get home from work until 9:30 PM. Or fall asleep at 8 PM. We know it’s covered, and that we are in this together. Every morning when I wake up, I love my husband, but I really like him, to be around him, to parent with him. I do not enjoy riding in the car with him, but that is a lengthy discussion that he should probably contribute to. (Except one time when we went to Fort Polk and listened to a Pandora station based on Poison the entire way there.)

I’ve added Momastery to my regular blog reading. You should too. Her blog is more about the challenges she has with her own conditions and how that affects her parenting, her marriage, her contribution to the world. It’s refreshing to have someone say in a public, published forum that it’s hard. And it’s not fun. And that you do it not because of the great time you are having at every moment, but for the belief that when it’s done, we will have raised good husbands and fathers, productive citizens who knew they were safe and loved.

And, we have this kickasstastic dog, who has saved the sanity of every one of us. More than once. He thinks we provide for him, but it's actually the opposite.