YAY! I got a picture of ostrich shadoobie!

My sister is always bitching at me about not doing more outdoor activities with the boys. I personally don't see where anything more than "go play outside" is necessary, but she does. And it's her major, so whatever. I decided early in the week that we needed an outing. We needed to go be fun and forget how much we have to dislike about life right now.

When I woke up this morning, I decided we were going to Global Wildlife, which is riding around over 900 acres of land looking at and feeding wild, non-carnivorous animals. It's about a 50 minute drive, so we Skyped dad, got dressed and left the house about 11. This is what the car ride looked like when we stopped in Hammond for lunch:

Once we got to Global Wildlife, in Folsom, La, I paid $86 of Corey's hard-earned combat pay on tickets, a bucket of feed, two disposable cameras and two soft drinks. We had about an hour to kill, so I picked a spot in the shade and told the boys to stay where I could see them.

I know they spent 45 minutes playing around this flower bed.

Look, he doesn't take great posed pictures. You need the element of surprise to get a good one. But he's devilishly good-looking in person.

THIS ONE, however, is always camera-ready.

Two-headed giraffe.

In the waiting-area, they have a big catfish pond and some enclosed areas of goats, donkeys and kangaroos. One of the kangaroos was accompanied by a younger one that was apparently still nursing, and Mama Kangaroo was lactating something serious. She drug the ground. One of the (male) kangaroos (and I know this because I had to have a conversation with the boys about WHAT THE HECK that was) was relaxing by the fence, and he actually let the boys pet him.

The best part was after about ten minutes, when I told them we needed to move on so other people could pet him, they stood up and started jumping and squealing in excitement that they had pet a kangaroo and this was the best day and then they hugged each other while continuing the jump. Then Jake said "I love you Landen!" and Landen said "I love you Jake!" and it made me not might the back sweat I felt roll down at that very moment.

So here's the deal with Global Wildlife: you ride in buggies pulled by tractors that go 2.5 miles an hour. Little deer that look like this follow you the entire time because they're smart like dogs and they know that those big trucks have the food, and they're coming for it. They aren't tall enough to hand-feed, so you just drop it on the ground. Also, these deer are native to Iraq and Iran, so we had "Daddy deer" following us around our entire 90-minute safari.

Now, wild animals being the indiscriminate beings they are, one of these little darlings happened to take a poop right while we were feeding him. This inspired a level of interest in animal excrement that was unexpected and uncontrollable. Each of them had a disposable camera, and I bet one-third of the photos on each camera will be of many varieties of animal shit. You can think I'm crazy all you want, but when Jake yelled "YAY! I got a picture of ostrich shadoobie!" in earnest delight, I couldn't bring myself to tell them to stop taking pictures of shit. I could see Corey sitting next to me and bursting into abrupt, face-squinching laughter, and I had to let them pursue this new interest.

This was the first feed of the "Daddy deer."

We identified one major issue at this first feed. They wanted to fill their cups up to the brim and then toss the entire cup out into the deer. In doing this, they would often throw the feed on their neighbors who were leaning out of the truck to feed the deer also. So they were instructed, for the first of what would be 100 times, to use their hands to toss the feed. Oh, and they called it "bait."

Feeding the camels was my favorite part. These giant bastards with lopsided humps and the biggest feet I've ever seen would toddle up to the wagon and eat out of your hand or your cup. When we ended the tour, the boys didn't want to wash their hands because they were proud of their "camel snot." They totally did wash them.

You have to be very careful when the zebras come eat. The zebras are apparently the only horse-type animal that has never been domesticated. If they like you, they bite you. If they hate you, they bite you even harded. They also stick their heads through the side flaps of the buggy and bite at your feet. So you're supposed to stay seated and throw the feed away from the wagon.

Thus identified our second issue on safari. We get too excited and we forget the rules of how to not get hurt. We ended up getting that worked out, though.

My mother loves cows. So here, mama, some cows for you:

That's a bison, not a buffalo.

They told us to feed the cows through our windows and not the doors because these cows with these giant horns would get themselves stuck in the doors and it takes hours to get them out. My children were not permitted to feed the cows because upon their first attempt, they stood right in the door, as if the instructions had not come over a speaker above their heads seven seconds before. It was funny to watch the cows eat because they would just walk up to the wagon, open their mouths and stick their tongues out to the side and wait for you to pour your entire cup of food in their mouths.

They were also covered in flies. Wassup with that?

We also saw two red stag with huge horns get in a fight. It was awesome.

All this talk about horns reminds me of a story my dad tells about how his dad used to order steak. "Lop off the horns, wipe its ass and run it out here."

You're allowed to feed the giraffes from your hand, but they did not get close enough. They've had two babies in the last month, and giraffes are apparently very protective. So they won't come near the wagons while the babies are young. Giraffe babies fall out of their mothers wombs about six feet to the ground and land on their heads. They also gestate for 400 days.

Speaking of gestation, I forget how long zebras gestate for BUT a mama will hold that baby up in there if she doesn't feel the conditions are right - not enough food or water, threats from other animals, weather....

They don't have elephants at Global Wildlife because elephants are afraid of things bigger than them, which the wagons are, so they would likely charge the wagons and hurt some people. They had a monkey once, but he caused the facility's first and only stampede, so he had to go live somewhere else. No animals that eat other animals are allowed, because there's too many Iraq deer for them to feed on.

They also have the fattest geese I've ever seen. They weren't brought in, they're squatters. The flew in for a winter and the eatin' was so good, they never left.

I can't wait to see what Jake and Landen's pictures look like. I'll put up a slideshow as soon as we get those back.

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