I'm feeling a lot this week. I go to therapy almost every week. I sit in the same spot on the couch, with my feet curled under me 'cause I kicked off my shoes when I walk through the door. She opens with "so, what's going on?" and I rant and rave for about 35 minutes before she asks "how are you feeling?" This question always renders me speechless. I look at the wall and scroll through my vocabulary of feeling words, which is not as impressive as my vocabulary of slang for the female anatomy or my comfort with ways to use the word "shit." I don't have feeling words up front. I have to think about what they are and find the one that fits me. Sometimes I struggle so with this that she has to list words until I repeat the correct one.
I haven't been sleeping well at all, and I'm hoping that if I get these stupid feelings out of my brain and body, I can get some f***ing rest. Bear witness to me, won't you?
Full. I married the love of the life, the person I know now was truly selected to be my partner. He is stubborn and defensive and sometimes his lack of sentiment shocks me, but oh, does he love me and Jake and Landen. We are all there is, and for every time he fusses or resists, he shows his affection ten-fold. God has blessed me with two young boys to raise, who love me, and whom I love completely and unconditionally. And their mother, one of the people of purest heart I've ever met, not only trusted me with them, but was my friend. I have the most devoted parents, sister and pets and a great big family that supports us and makes me laugh. I have a network of the truest of true friends. I have at least six months of employment security. We're saving to buy our house and have our baby. I'm healthy, and I have great doctors and a therapist to keep me emotionally, mentally and physically capable.
Empty. How can a person feel full and empty at the same time? Maybe this is what is keeping me awake. That same oft-shithead who is completely in love with our family and us with him has taken part of me with him to Iraq, the bastard, and I'm finding that I don't have the joy in my heart that I do when he's with me. I told Jake and Landen that their dad was my best friend, and he's gone, and I asked them if they would be my best friends, and they said yes and hugged me. The fullness that I feel in getting to mother these children comes at the high price of losing their own mother, for whom they were the sun that her world orbited around. I love them, and I'm elated to have them, but I wish it wasn't like this. I wish my gain wasn't such a beautiful person's loss, because I will never be the mother she would've been to them. I have nothing but the best of intentions, and I think we will all be happy and we will keep her with us always, but we lost, and no one more than them.
Angry. I am angry that the Army took him from us. That he didn't continue his college education and thus chose Army success at his career. That he's so good at it. That we didn't see when he was a teenager that he had ADHD and help him focus. That I can't f***ing sleep anymore during the week. That I am trying to move these children forward during the worst time of their entire life. That they know people die, parents die, and that they could think for a second that their dad won't come home. That the person they really need has no power to be here. That Erin died, because she deserved Jake and Landen much, much more than I do. That Erin died, because she was my friend. That my office disbanded and fled to New Orleans. That I have to get up early in the morning. That I keep spending money. That Corey's not here.
Anxious. What if we don't save enough money to buy our house and our king size bed and live in damn apartments forever? What if we're not fertile? What if Jake and Landen won't be happy? What am I doing with my career? How long will I be with the Lt. Governor's office? What do I want to do next? Where are we going to live? Why do I crave gummi bears all the damn time? Why can't I get all the clothes in my house clean? Can we afford private school tuition for the next eleven years? Where will we all sleep when everybody is at my parents' house? What if I paint Aunt Soupie's buffet and I ruin it? How do I get Murphy to stop tearing up the carpet? What if Jake and Landen get kidnapped on a cruise?
Helpless. Being out of control is the most unnatural state for me. I cannot give Jake and Landen the one thing they need most right now - their dad. I cannot control what happens to me at work - I can only show up and do a good job. Most of the questions I am anxious about cannot be answered or solved by my actions alone. Even worse, I have to wait for things to happen or others to make decisions before I can move my family and me forward. Not knowing what will happen, or when, so that I can be ready with my response leaves me very vulnerable.
I think that covers me for now. What's interesting is that I started this little exercise last night, when I couldn't fall asleep, and saved it to finish today. Last night I slept through the night. Seven hours of peaceful, deep, uninterrupted slumber. It's been weeks. Maybe there is something to this feelings shit. They're not just words that don't mean anything (like maternal or addiction. That's a joke for Baby Sister.)
Note from the blogger: You should know that I do a lot of my blogging while watching Oprah. She sets my tone sometimes when she gives away free shit or talks about her unfortunate upbringing or her supremely public struggle with her weight. Harpo should have me on her show. NOBODY has written a story like this. Bonus= you get your hair and makeup done, a free trip to Chicago and I would try to keep the clothes. Ooh, I bet Oprah could tell President Obama that I need a Harpo Hookup and they would send Corey home permanently. She would surprise us on the show, like when those families thought they were coming so Suze Orman could tell them how to save enough money in 3 days to catch up on their mortgage payments before they were foreclosed upon, but it was really Will.i.am who came out and paid off their houses. What will Oprah try to trick me with? Who wouldn't watch that?!
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