So in leading up to this day, on the occasion of my 30th birthday, I have known for quite a while that Corey would be involuntarily violating Rule #3. In fact, I knew that not only would he not be here for my 30th birthday, the odds were that he would be en route to a foreign country in the Middle East, and therefore unable to call my on my birthday. Y’all know in previous years I have commenced celebrating my birthday the day after Cydney’s, which is March 4, and extended the festivities until at least one week post-birthdate. One year I had five birthday dinners.
Up until now, I have been consumed with hating my 30th birthday. I haven’t been looking forward to it at any point during my 20’s, but being married yet alone for 30…that’s just crap. He’s supposed to be here for the milestones, dammit. I even shed tears at midnight while my sister prepared to set my slice of cake on fire with 31 candles. He was able to call from Germany at about 12:30 AM to wish me Happy Birthday, and this morning I woke up feeling completely different than I did when I went to bed. It’s not so bad. One zillion Facebook comments, e-mails and text messages from friends and family will really lift a girl’s spirits.
So I Googled “turning 30” this morning, to see what commiseration was posted for my handy reference today, and instead I found something genius. Someone has published statistics about turning 30 that I will now copy, repeat and comment upon based on my own wisdom and amusing insight.
The average person has had 7.5 jobs by the age of 30. I have had seven different employers, so I’m going to count that as jobs, instead of counting positions as jobs. The last position you held per employee is the one that counts on your resume, so why not apply that to this statistic. My best job was the one where I got paid a big salary to be unemployed. It was like unemployment benefits without the red tape. Oh, and I didn’t count any of my babysitting gigs as jobs.
At age 30, you're older than 42 percent of Americans. Well, ain’t that a bitch. And so is the person who came up with that statistic. Why can’t there be a statistic that says the percentage of people I am younger than? Assholes.
You're 26 percent less likely to make a New Year's resolution in your 30s... but if you do make one, you're 26 percent more likely to stick to it. I made a lot of resolutions in my 20s. And failed to keep a lot of resolutions in my 20s. One year I resolved to get out of a bad relationship by my 25th birthday, and I did. I don’t think I’ve resolved to do anything since then.
One out of 33 men and one out of 25 women are virgins at age 30. Who would be honest about this question on any survey?
81 percent of women and 71 percent of men have been married by age 30 (and 16 percent of each have been divorced). I got married at 28. Corey was 30 when he got divorced and married for the second time. He gets a 100A+ on that statistic.
Eighty-three percent of people are in significant debt by their early 30s. Their median income is $55,000, but their median debt is $26,500. My debt is waaaay higher than that, thanks to student loans for the Masters Degree I’m not convinced I’ll ever use. All it really does it make me feel better than people for a second, then bad about myself for feeling better than anyone, and maybe a little but ridiculous for spending all that money. I just made payment one of 300 in March. 300 monthly payments. Calculate how many years that is, and then send me your condolences.
At 6:26 PM on my 30th birthday, I don’t hate it. I’m not going to remember this as a painful or miserable day. Saturday is spa day and a very fancy dinner with my family, and that’s an amazing commemoration. And thank you Baby Jesus for allowing my husband to call me from Luxembourg just after midnight to tell me Happy Birthday before he continued his travels. I have not heard from him since. It’s 3:30 AM where he is, so I’m in no way upset with him. But not knowing where in the world, literally, he is, what he’s doing and having no way to get in touch with him is the most desperate feeling. I just realized this may be the debilitating part of being an Army wife: the silence. Because when it’s quiet like this, that’s all you hear.
That’s not what today is about, though. Today is a milestone, and I may be spending it feeling a little alone and a lot empty, but I feel this way because in my 30th year, I am married to someone I hate to be without. So maybe 30 is the age where you look at your life and ask whether you’re on the right track. I said in 2007 that I wanted to buy myself a little two bedroom cottage in the garden district for my 30th birthday. I am currently renting a three-bedroom townhouse and I won’t be buying anything until I’m at least 31. I’m married to the only person who was meant for me, and it’s wonderful to feel so much pain in love. I have satisfactory disposable income. I’m a stepmother to two boys who think I’m not wicked. I have good relationships with my family and high-quality friends. I’m incredibly healthy. That feels on track to me.
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