Fifty-year old women are having LOTS of boob jobs and putting on the bikinis to show them off, certainly not for the hairy, beer-bellied, bald 60-year old men who presumably are buying them.
The hotel-imposed rules of the beach do not matter at all. All hotels guests will swim despite the red flag, bring bottles on the beach, play their music too loud, wear thongs and leave their trash by their beach chairs.
If they are still making overweight teenage girls, they aren’t at the beach. The only teenage girls at the beach are tall, tan and lithe in string bikinis.
Snaps to all the beached whales who get out there in their swimsuits, sans cover-ups, despite the Tiny Teenagers parading in front of them.
Tim Gunn needs to do a swimsuit book, and he needs to advise the planet that those bathing suits with the tropical flowers on the black backgrounds are not okay at any age or any size.
Watch the weather very closely. If, for instance, the prediction is rain on the day you are supposed to pack up and leave the beach, and your mama tells you that one hellacious rainstorm came through last night moving your way, pack your shit up in your car the night before so that you and your family aren’t complete soaking messes for the ride home.
Sunblock, no matter the spf, should be applied every hour. Otherwise your children will burn on their backs right above the waistband of their swim trunks and they will tell you about it all the time.
Know the location of every Wal-Mart between the beach and home. This will come in handy if you decide, on a whim, that you must stop and purchase a portable DVD player on the way out so your children do not ask you if you’re in Louisiana yet every ten minutes. If, in the execution of the backseat theatre, you execute your just-out-of-the-box DVD player when you plug it into the car and it makes a shocking POP sound and begins to smoke, you will need to know the location of the next Wal-Mart so that portable device can be returned as inoperable and another one can be acquired.
Though they sound yuppie and frou-frou, white wine spritzers are delightful balcony beverages.
However much money you spend, however annoyed you get with your family during extended times in close proximity, however much sand you bring home in your bag, however many seashells you are forced to buy....every single pain in the ass is totally and completely worth it to give the beach to a child.
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