My Lenten Un-feast

I am a Catholic, but I do not go to church. I have no tolerance for the establishment, but I think the religion is quite beautiful. I believe in evolution, that Mary Magdelene was the wife of Jesus, that homosexuals and priests should be allowed to marry, and I believe my Catholic faith leaves room for all of that.

I have not practiced Lenten penance for several years. I’m feeling very blessed, and a little humble about it, so I decided this year I would do what I’ve done in years before and give up sugar for Lent. This means a hiatus from two of my very most favorite things—cold Coke and icing. As a child who had a birthday during Lent, and due fortune paying a mean-ass trick on us by sending forth Girl Scout cookies during Lent, I have those two caveats—I give up sugar, with the exception of birthday cake and Girl Scout cookies. Those of you will birthdays before or after the 40 days of Lent who mock this condition can kiss my ass, because no one knows this trouble I’ve seen.

Oh, my fine Irish grandmother told her children that Sunday was not a day of Lent, so whatever you give up for Lent, you could technically have on Sundays. It was a mistake for my parents to allow this, because I can ingest an entire week’s worth of sugar in one day if absolutely necessary.

The Coke thing is really hard, because I need caffeine when I don’t get enough sleep, and I just love it with my whole heart. I don’t drink coffee or tea or take speed, so on this sleepy day, I am going au naturale. I can attest to the fact that if you are a person who drinks approximately one Coke per day, once you get past the withdrawals (and mine are debilitating) and get the toxins out of your system, your energy levels and general wellbeing dramatically improve.

I will swear until my dying day that my energy levels and general wellbeing do not improve in the slightest when my sadistic self withholds Little Debbies and cheesecake from my hungry self, but THIS is the penance I offer to tiny little baby Jesus.

And because this is a team event, Corey the Mega-Husband is on this self-sacrificing journey with me. He claims to not completely understand the rules of giving up caffeine and sugar, because yesterday he had tea and Day Two he had a mocha chocolata coffee or some shit like that. I think he's just a crafty Army dude who's exploring all the loopholes. Boy, was he crestfallen when he slid over next to Landen on Saturday night to partake in his tray of sopapillas, only to have me shoot him down and banish him to the other side of the booth.

I sure do love him for his effort.