Twenty-five minus five things about the Mister

It was taking me too long to come up with 25, so deal with it..

1. My first name is of English, Irish and Gaelic origin. I would have preferred to be named something else. Statistics show that more babies were named Corey in the 1970’s than any other decade in history. Statistics also show that 6 out of every 10 cited statistics are made up at the moment of citation.

2. I’ve been in the Army for 12 years. Not because it is my bliss, but because it is the only thing that I have ever really done well and gotten paid for. Also, they don’t just let you quit whenever you want and there is something very cool about a job that pays you to do kickass stuff like blowing trees down with C4 and shooting grenade launchers.

3. I am one of those people who will eat or drink anything. I’m not talking about Fear Factor crap like drinking pee and eating buzzard intestines – I’m talking about things that are (mostly) intended for human consumption. You will never see me refuse to eat or drink something because it sounds, looks, or smells nasty. I may yak and never go near it again, but I will give it a shot. I laugh in the face of danger, after all.

4. My wife loves blue china more than any decent person should. From where I am sitting on the couch I can see 20 pieces of blue fucking china. I am literally surrounded by the shit, and sometimes I feel like it is watching me. In my bedroom is a walk-in closet. In that walk-in closet is a tool box. In that tool box is my MFing hammer. It is pleasing to know that I can retrieve that hammer and embark upon a blue china killing spree if it ever becomes necessary.

5. I agree that violence doesn’t solve everything. I do believe, however, that it must always be considered as a possible solution. You'd be very surprised at how much a jab to the trachea can accomplish.

6. I spend too much time playing video games. I like video games. I should spend more time running, but running sucks. Unless you’re running in a video game. With a sword. Or a machine gun.

7. Lately, I am wondering what has happened to my cat-like agility. Recently, during a single trip to the bathroom, I managed to (a) Fail to place my feet in the proper position to keep me from rolling face-first out of the bed and onto my stomach in the floor, (b) Fail to maintain positive control of my upper extremities, which caused me to bash my right wrist painfully into the bathroom doorknob, and (c) Fail to maintain positive control of my lower extremities, which caused me to bash my left knee painfully into the toilet. Then, last weekend, I somehow managed to stomp on and break my own toe. Enough is enough already! I don’t know what I have done to deserve it, but I am going through a clumsy phase, and I need Jesus to hurry up and make that go away.

8. I nearly won a spelling bee in the fourth grade. I should have won, and I would have if spelling bees weren’t complete bullshit. “W-A-S-T-E. Waste.” Nope. The one they were looking for was W-A-I-S-T. I could’ve spelled that one too, dammit. Penalizing a fourth grader for being brilliant and confident is mean, A-S-S-H-O-L-E-S.

9. I don’t sleep well. It only takes a teaspoon of bad jujumagumbo to keep me up all night. This happens to me a couple of times a month, and it turns me into an absolute barrel of rainbows and butterflies.

10. I have much more in common with Kiyana than I thought I did (#1, 3, 10, and 22 of Kiyana’s 25 random things). She is kickass-tastic like I am, it seems.

11. I am, at this very moment, suffering the sadistic side-effects of too many cups of coffee. Last night was one of my no-sleep nights.

12. My fingernails are atrocious. I have a despicable habit of picking at them, so they always look like I stuck them in a damn pencil sharpener. I know that it is nasty, but I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It drives Nell up the wall. She peels the skin from the bottom of her foot, and that drives me as well.

13. I have an unusually broad taste in music. I have yet to discover a genre of music that I am unable to appreciate. The ‘Favorites’ playlist on my iPod will take you on a mind-blowing audible odyssey, from Killswitch Engage to Beethoven to Mamma Mia to Lil Wayne, and so on. It kicks way too much ass for most people.

14. Once upon a time, in sunny Baghdad, an enemy mortar exploded near me and blew a large fragment of rock into the top-right side of my chest. My body armor stopped it from going through me, but it felt like it had blown my GD arm off at the shoulder. It is fortunate that nobody judges your reaction when this type of thing happens to you, because mine was less than heroic. My panic-induced hysterical wailing may have been more alarming than the actual explosion. I ended up with a football-sized bruise on my chest for about a month, but the damage to my ego was permanent.

15. In China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not me, because I killed that man.

16. I daydream too much, and it drives me nuts. I catch myself daydreaming about all kinds of ridiculous crap. I’m a ninja. I can fly. I’m a bazillionaire. I’m an Olympic athlete. Snap out of it and live in the now, idiot!

17. I love my family a lot, but I have a fuckload of family and it can be exhausting. There are several (Nell knows who I mean) that I wouldn’t claim if I could avoid it, but I probably wouldn’t shove them in front of a bus. Thankfully, we only have big get-togethers at Christmas.

18. I love me some Su-pah-pah Trou-pah-pah. And I don’t care who knows it.

19. I have a horrible singing voice. I sing my ass off when no one can hear me, though. Dancing is a different scenario altogether. I’m such a shitty dancer that I embarrass myself even in private.

20. My wife is the shit. Read it again; I want you to feel it. My Wife Is The Shit. I don't know how in the hell I pulled this off, but let's not jinx it, ok? You see lots of men looking for reasons to ditch the wife so that they can hang out with their boys or whatever. Damn that. I'm all about hanging out with the guys, but nothing is more enjoyable than spending the day with Nell. I love that we are both assholes, so we spend most of that time making fun of people. These are total strangers, guys. We would never make fun of any of you. Unless you were to do something completely asinine like breaking your toe while lightsaber dueling with a 5 year old.